i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize