Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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