i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
