You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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