I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
