My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
