This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Text me some of your sweat
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