God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
