go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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