This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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