T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
