I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
