i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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