Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
