i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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