his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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