The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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