Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
