cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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