i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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