Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
