i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
