only if we run a train.
done.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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