I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
