the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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