i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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