I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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