Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
