It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
