Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
