I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
