Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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