Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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