I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize