Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
