my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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