all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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