Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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