don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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