Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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