you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
