i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
