Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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