Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
