There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
