No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
