mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
