I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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