The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mom said you looked used
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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