I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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