just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
