I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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