I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
