even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
