Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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