just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
