I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
